So the tests are in and they say im in remission. Its hard to describe the overwhelming feelings that come with hearing the words, “well your tests were clear and it looks like your cancer is in remission”. It was kind of a bitter sweet time when I got the news from my uncle. I had to check back into the hospital the very next day because of extreme pain and a “non-existent” white blood cell count. This trip to the hospital was the longest and hardest one so far. After I get this great news I have more pain in the following days then I’ve had in the first 3 ½ rounds. Also they deemed me a fall risk which totally sucked. I had to have a nurse or aid help me get in and out of bed and basically do everything for me, which I did not like one bit. I know I can’t do everything on my own and the first half of my stay I actually needed the extra attention, but I do love my independence and I hate when I get doted on constantly, so it was a pretty terrible experience for me. The first day my aid Annie insisted on helping me change and putting my hospital socks on for me, I was moving pretty slow and it might have taken me a little while to do it myself, but I still wanted to do all that myself. Annie is one of my favorites at the hospital and I trust her more than you can imagine, but the whole situation made me realize how bad of shape I was actually in. I also was introduced to this little thing called Lacti-lose, which has a pretty funny story that goes along with it, but you can add Lacti-lose to my list of things I completely despise. I would share the story on here, but I doubt most of you really want me to get into the details on here, especially if you know what Lacti-lose is. It makes me shutter even thinking about it. I finally met with some specialists who gave me some extra creams that seemed to work great, hopefully they continue to relieve my interesting pains in the last 2 rounds.
Speaking of the last two rounds, I am pretty much expecting to be spending the last two months in the hospital. My blood counts dropped so fast after round four, I can only expect them to do the same after the last two rounds. It sounds a little pessimistic which I am not trying to be, but I am not exactly excited for these last two rounds. The previous two rounds have been all sorts of hell for me and I think realistically the last two will be the same or worse. I’d like to think that these last two rounds will be a piece of cake, but again realistically my aches and pains haven’t had enough time to heal completely in between rounds, so when I get hit with the next round of chemo the pain just seems to get worse. One kind of annoying thing that has gone on in between the latest round and now is my eye brows and eye lashes are finally falling out. Being bald hasn’t been bad at all, some people (girls) have even said I look good bald, but I have been dreading losing my eye hair. Its annoying because I keep having to fish eye lash after eye lash out of my eyes. Of course they don’t just fall out down my cheek, but they get stuck in my eyes which has been a real pain in the ass.
One fun thing that happened during my last hospital stay, was my mom brought me some chips, salsa, and guacamole and I had a little hospital party in my room. I got some of the nurses to stop in and have an afternoon snack and hang out with me for a little bit. We had some good convo and some laughs which was really nice for me. It made me feel like I wasn’t a sickly patient for a while. As I have made it known the people that take care of me are very special people. The nurses and aids have made this whole process so much easier for me. I was talking to two of them at the end of one of their shifts and they said they have gotten to know a couple of patients really well over the years, patients that have had lymphomas and other intense cancers, but those patients don’t come back and see them as much as they’d like. I was pretty up front with sarah and liz when I said that would not be the case with me. I plan on stopping by and bringing them goodies on a pretty regular basis. I honestly can’t imagine some of these women not being in my life for a long time to come. Whether its meeting them out for a few drinks or just stopping by the 5th floor on my way home and saying hi, these are amazing people that I feel could only benefit my life after cancer. It makes me sad each and every patient that passes through the fifth floor doesn’t get the chance to get to know each and every nurse like I have.
I start my fifth round today. It is my last odd cycle. I am not a big fan of the odd cycles. The drugs really start to get to me after about day four and its really hard to keep a smile on my face. I have gotten a lot of emails and facebook messages from people telling me how strong I am, but this cycle doesn’t make me feel strong. The whole process doesn’t make me feel strong. When I get done with a cycle in the hospital, I go home and I’m exhausted and feel torn down for about 2 weeks. It is a lot of work for me to get up and make myself food and really do anything. I can’t take myself anywhere, I need a parental chauffer to go to dr’s appointment and go grocery shopping, don’t get me wrong I can take care of myself, but it gets really hard to agree with people telling me I have great strength. I know there are all kinds of strength and I get where people are coming from, but it just gets really hard to agree with their assessments a lot of the time. I would say the people that are strong are my nurses, who come to work every day and help people who are fighting the fight of their life without so much as a thank you sometimes. When they have to leave their new born baby, or sick child to come work a 12 hour shift and help a 26 year old lymphoma patient or the new patient that just came out of surgery and can’t get themselves out of bed. To me that is strength. Or a mother who brings her son lunch and dinner almost every day in the hospital so he doesn’t have to make himself sick by eating the slop served by the hospital each day. Also, a father who comes three times a day and sits by his only son’s bed just to make sure everything is ok. Even in the early morning when said son is asleep, but he still is there drinking his coffee and doing sudokus or reading what looks like a terribly boring book about a French WWII general and Prime minister. Or the cousin who will never let you run out of cheez-its, or an uncle who pops in every day on his lunch break to check in, even if that uncle is also your doctor, or an aunt that sends reassuring and funny emails when you need some support, or other family members who stop by for 5 minutes just to say hello and see if there is anything they can do, or a prego sister with a little critter running around in her belly who calls and gchats you whenever she has a chance. To me these people are strong, a strong family who keeps it together when times are tough and something unforeseen has struck. That’s strength to me. The people around me are the strong ones. I tend to put up this front and act like everything is fine all the time(and yes mom everything is ok right now so stop worrying) , but without strong people around me I wouldn’t be getting through all of this as well as I am. This whole experience has really made me realize how lucky I am to have such a fantastic family.
Thank you to all my friends and family that have supported me up to this point. I will remember everything you all have done for me, even the little things, especially the little things. Thanks to all you out of towners that have made time for me when you have been in town, it means a lot to me when you make time to see me, and thanks to all the friends of my family that have supported me and gone to events at the Zoo. I can’t wait till I am healthy enough to get back to work! I am chomping at the bit to get back. Most importantly thanks for believing in me, especially when I don’t believe in myself. Team Paul is strong and im working on shirts for real. Sorry if this post is a little unorganized, I just started typing about 1:30am and I’m way too tired to proof read right now.
Paul
